just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
