Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
