we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
