When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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