Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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