How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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