i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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