the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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