We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
