I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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