just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
