I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
We need to rekindle our bromance
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Randomize
