we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
