Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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