Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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