Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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