Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
