Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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