Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
