dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
