So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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