Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
