Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
