the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
