We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
