Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
