That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
