2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
