We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
