just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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