I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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