i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
