when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
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