brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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