Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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