i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
