dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
