No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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