Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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