Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
