so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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