There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
