I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
