It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
