She announced her abortion via fbk
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
