allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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