You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
