Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
