some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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