I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
