you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
this will be a night to untag.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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